| changes |
[18 Dec 2007|12:40am] |
they happen, they're necessary, they're inevitable.
but holy hell it sure shakes you up. hello, 2008... what the hell do you have in store for me?
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| he... he lives? |
[31 Aug 2007|09:35pm] |
Whoof, long time no see guys! How have you all been? I am good. and stuff. how have you been?
i want to write about what's been going on with me, but there's so much of it and i don't know where to start!! and thinking about HOW to start makes my head hurt, and it makes me just.. not want to type shit down. I just went through three lengthy drafts, but i just deleted them in rage, i'd rather tell you guys about it. i can talk better than i can write. well. i can do just about anything better than i can write.
so.. this is an invitation. do you have skype? add me up! im not at my home computer (in new york right now! spending time with the parents and the sisters for labor day weekend) but, im pretty sure you can search for David Alegre. or, if you can search by Email, scrotumnose@gmail.com is the inbox i call home.
i miss you benchity bench, and i want to talk to you all. i need to hear your voices, and for you to physically tell me what you've been up to. so skype me up! or tell me how i can talk to you guys.
you hear me trina?????? hee hee.
here's a drawing i made of me as a pokemon trainer. slowbros are the king of pokemon.
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| Dave chooses door number two, how about you? |
[08 Feb 2007|09:29am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 unloaded |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
farts |
] |
a funny thing happened to me on the way to work this morning...
CHAT LOG BETWEEN DAVE AND SHAUN, AROUND 9AM:
Dave: guhhhhhh
Shaun: ?
Shaun: That good huh?
Dave: yknow...
Dave: the fiercely intense feeling of wanting to take a dump while riding a bike is a really crappy feeling, if you'll excuse the pun.
Dave: BECAUSE YOUR LEGS AND ABS ARE PUSHING GODDAMMITARRGHHH
Shaun: ..ohhhh lordy.
Shaun: That's nasty. Ahahahaha.
Dave: it's a horrible delicate balance.
Dave: it's impossible to clench your bung while pumping your legs.
Shaun: ..ahahahahha.. forgive me for laughing.. ahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaah..
Dave: hahaha, no it's pretty funny. when i got to work, i exploded.
Dave: it was an explosive dump. like.
Dave: SPLAP
Shaun: Oh that's lovely. Sweet,sweet release.
Dave: all at once, in one instant, probably the size of a cantalope. i didnt bother to check.
Dave: plus it was infused with the fire element, because of the spicy fried chicken last night.
Dave: my butt-sorceress cast meteor.
Dave: im totally uploading this conversation onto my journal.
Shaun: So long as you make me look sexy.
Dave: you know it.
***
yeah, gross, i know, BUT YOU READ IT, YOU CAN'T UN-READ IT. BAHHH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH
back to busy-land i go! toodles!
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| BARF! |
[28 Jan 2007|09:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 video-gamey |
] |
i have so much work to do, but i couldn't help but take time out to make this. i wonder how many people are gonna remember the game this is from? :P
the other guy is shaun, m'bud and roommate.
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| random stuff!! |
[20 Jan 2007|08:22am] |
okay okay, this is kind of cheating, but in lieu of actually updating, i made drawings and answered survey thingies.
first, for mihk. and anyone else that wants to see animatey goodness.
http://roxik.com/pictaps/?pid=a124114
second, for ala! i answered her meme thingy.
YOU'RE ON MY FRIENDS LIST, I WANNA KNOW YOU...I want to know 26 34 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, never liked each other, or if we already know everything about each other.
1. Can you cook?
sure, not very well though. or... yet.
2. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?
if there were people around, secretly play my cellphone's ringing tone (Hello by lionel richie) and watch the uneasiness form on everyone's faces. if no one was around, i'd probably just sit down and listen to music until it started moving.
3. What talent do you wish you had?
background / comic skillz. or to be able to play the piano all ragtime-like.
4. Favorite place?
the bench, of course.
5. Favorite vegetable?
broccoli
6. What was the last book you read?
um err i dunno. i don't read, at all. probably something for thesis. which was four years ago. if comics/graphic novels count, Lost at Sea by Bryan Lee o Malley.
7. Are you Dirty or Clean?
some people say im clean, but i maintain that i'm dirtay.
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
piercings - two on the lip and one on the eyebrow.
9. Worst Habit?
procrastination to the maxxx
HERE COMES THE FUN ...
1. How did we meet?
um i don't know the exact moment? but my first distinct memory of you was driving around school (that road near the overpass into prince david) blasting System of a Down. and you mentioned me on Myx because of it!
2. What's your philosophy on life?
If you want it hard enough, you're going to get it.
3. Negative or Optimistic?
totally optimistic
4. What was your dream growing up?
to be an actor. no really.
5. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
Haaaahahahahaha. there are so many things to choose from! i cannot answer this!
6. What was your first impression of me?
Cool kid wanting nothing to do with unruly nerdos like me, hahaha!
7. Tell me one weird fact about you:
don't touch my belly button, or i'll punch you in the tit.
8. Whats your favorite memory of us?
hmmmm. this is also hard to answer, we've all been through a lot together! first thing that pops into my head is basia though, so there!
10. Have you ever kept anything from me?
uh YEAH. the little dish of art you gave me before you left. it's totally on my desk in my room. that area of my desk is the 'bench corner' to remind me of my buddiest buds. PLUS! the dollar bill shades. i've actually worn them out to a diner, and got a lot of odd comments on the way.
11. What do you think of me as a Person?
someone that has a direction, and is moving towards it.
12. Do you think I'm sane or insane?
...uh?
13. Would you cry for me if I died?
holy shit you know it. really hard.
14. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
hmm i'd say crime partner.
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
nah, wouldn't be you if i did
16. How do you fall asleep?
instantly and anywhere.
17. Ever gotten angry with me?
um, if i did, i don't remember it? but i doubt it.
18. Would you go on a blind date if I set you up?
sure. i trust your taste and judgement.
19. If you had one day to live, what would you do?
call my friends and loved ones to tell em how much they mean to me, and then just find a mountain or high place to soak in the view until i croaked.
20. A million bucks.. what would you do with it?
quit my job, move to california, get an apartment, and then do comics from home and visit the philippines like every other week. hahaha!
21. What is your worst fear?
to not realize my full potential.
22. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
draw, play video games, guitar
23. Can you sing or dance?
i think i can sing okay!
24. In one word, how would you describe me? Be honest....
Ala
25. Will you repost this so I can fill it out ?
you're reading it now, aint'cha? :D
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| im a sucker for old school video games |
[29 Dec 2006|02:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 geeky |
] |
even though i hate posting quiz results on this thing (yeah, yeah, i know i used to do em a lot back in the day), i couldn't resist. original NES game quiz! how can you not take it?
it's actually not that hard. but CAN YOU GET A PERFECT SCORE BITCHES?????
..i did. HOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHABWAAAAHHHH HAHAHAHWHAWHAHAHAHAHAHA
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| he updates???? |
[24 Dec 2006|02:35pm] |
hey, merry christmas. all of you guys rock, each and every one of you. seeing you guys for the holidays was my biggest christmas wish, but it looks like i'll have to wait a little longer. not a problem, though.
happy rest of 2006. it's been quite a year. :)
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| where everybodddyyyy knows your naaammmeeeeeeeeeeee |
[04 Dec 2006|02:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 steady-bear |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Cheers theme |
] |
Okay, I've been here in chicago for a few weeks already.
It's already been quite a ride. i started work the day after i arrived.. right into a really, really busy and hectic spell. But to tell you the truth, this is pretty much everything i was doing at chikka, only more illustration-centered. which is good. plus, although i've jumped right into a busy spell, the workload compared to things i used to do at chikka is laughable. SO. i think i'm fulfilling the stereotype of the sweatshop third world asian work-monkey. I so-o-o wanna tell everyone what i'm working on here, but i am LEGALLY BOUND TO HOLD MY TONGUE. i'll just say that it's pretty fun, and definitely something that i've been needing for a while - a creative stimulus. as such, i've been drawing more when i'm not at work. which is even better.
mihk, got some good news! y'know snafu comics? the folks that host bleedman's PPG manga? shaun's comic is on there as well, and he's secured a little place for me there as well, once i have something. they upload a page a week, and that'd be perfect for our plans of the Meng remake. look! i made drorings already!
so anyhoo, it's snowing. it snowed a helluva lot this past weekend. i loved it! mostly because i'm not driving here yet.. i can imagine it to be quite a chore to drive around in icy conditions. one big thing off my to-do list here in the US is checked off.. snow-fun. but, i have to say, seeing all of it is making me really homesick. the white, freezing environment only reminds me how far away i am from everything i've held dear for the past few years.
I've felt extremely detached from pretty much everything. friends, family and lover is far, far away, and i don't really have much of a means to rectify that, other than this livejournal.. which i don't really feel is a substantial mode of communication between good friends. i'd call, but i don't have the money. skype or vonage immediately sounds like a fun option, but it seems like such a hassle to set up.
I'm actually pretty lonely here. sure, i've got shaun as my anchor here, but there's still a huge bench-shaped hole in my heart. it's amazing how isolated i feel here, even though i spent my childhood in the US... i'm sure i've said this many times before, but i sort of feel like i'm drifting somewhere in between. not quite american, but not quite filipino either. it's kind of a crappy thing to feel, because it's hard to really hang on to a feeling of belonging. the upside to all this is that it makes moving around a lot easier to deal with, since i don't really feel like i've had a chance to dig my roots as deep as i'd ideally want.
still, the current hollow-ness i'm feeling is in all honesty something that stands out. being away from the bench, being away from all of my best friends, being away from melissa, it's a sting that doesn't go away. And that makes me feel good, because i think that maybe i have rooted myself somewhere after all. It just occured to me once again that i want to end up settling down back in the philippines.. that's a good sign. if that's not a feeling of home and belonging, then what is?
i know that my reply-skills are far from stellar, and that my online presence is flaky at best. but rest assured, at the end of the day, when i have nothing to do, i think of how above anything else, i'd be hanging out with you guys. whether it's being outrageously and unapologetically crass with naz or trina, or being hopelessly optimistic and go-getter with jenn or pia, or geeking out and being silly with giz, becky, fort, raymz and cori, or drinking something that's ludicrously swank with manny or iea, or planning out my next comic with mihk, i'd take an hour of it over a month of grown-up stuff here in the insanely competitive US any day. any day of the week.
so yeah, i turned into a sentimental mush-ball, as usual. just miss you guys, is all.
okay, back to work i go.
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| LIFE IS CHANGE, AGAIN?? do u andastannnn |
[07 Nov 2006|09:53am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 overwhelmed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Depapepe - Start |
] |
hey ghuys.
life has been one hell of a rollercoaster these past few months. october in particular. i have...
1. attended my very first comic convention, the SPX in maryland.
comic convention. wow. mihk&giz, be-fucking-hold:
THAT IS ME AND BECKY CLOONAN. ZOMGZOMGZOMG BECKY FUCKINGCLOONAN. i bought pirates of coney island and i asked her to sign it. and not only did she sign it, she doodled me a little doodle in it as well.
many other wonderful things happened at SPX, but that was by far the coolest. coming in at a relatively close second was the Oni Press booth. mal and reyyy weren't there, but their comics were. i bought me a copy of lost at sea.
2. had the roadtrip experience here in the US
see numbah one for the cause. shaun and i had the total package... rented a car, drove manymany hours, got lost, made CDs for the trip (and sang at the top of our lungs doing so), and even got pulled over by the cops. we ran a red light.
3. bought WinterShit
okay, this one took me completely by surprise. back home, i was mister cold. went to sleep with air conditioners AND fans blasting directly in my face. but, recently, this weather has been so fucken cold that even i wake up shivering. the great clothing has begun! i bought a pair of gloves and a scarf at urban outfitters. the only reason why i bought a scarf is because i thought of mihk while i was buying it. MIHK! i'm getting that much closer to becoming Scrotumnife! here's what the WinterDave looks like so far:
i tried to look as cool as possible whilst showing off both the scarf and the gloves (the hat was from my sagada trip!), but i think i just ended up looking cold. which i was at the time of the picture.
4. went to a real honest to goodness american bar, and a diner too
dood it's totally just like the movies, only uglier and fatter. and creepier too. bar summary: people really do 'watch the game.' and the game of choice is football all the way. i felt (and still feel) like such a nerd, because i know nothing of football outside of tecmo super bowl (do the cincinatti bengals still exist? they were totally the coolest team in TSB.). flag football, in my opinion, doesn't count. Diner summary: gross food, creepy/grumpy/both waitresses but nice atmosphere. there's something very charming and endearing about a diner filled with people from all walks of life. stoners with the munchies next to businessmen grabbing a quick bite before going to work next to the indie hipsters that are there for i dunno, the kitsch factor or something. it's like.... gah, at the risk of sounding nerdy again, Rivendell.
5. ordered shit online
oh em gee! this is a wonderful, evil thing! www.thinkgeek.com pwns my s0Ul and r0x0rZ my b0x0rZ. i have already ordered (and received the DAY AFTER) this delicious thing:
it's a famicom controller alarm clock! i'm in hog heaven. i also got a super mario '?' block coin bank. these are the coolest things ever. but before you say 'hey, aren't you a cheapo david?' i would like you all to know that they were my birthday gifts to me for being a good boy. or well, just a boy.
6. got a raise
Genji gave me a raise for all of my hard work. okay okay, it wasn't really about the hard work. it was because a bunch of people resigned for personal reasons - a really big coincidence, actually, but i think the raise was made to keep me there and all of that hullaballoo. but all of their cajoling has proved unsuccessful, because i have (and this is the really really big shit mentioned in the subject line)...
7. gotten a new job. and am moving to chicago in a little over a week because of it.
yes. that is right. i have gotten a new job, IN the graphic design/illustration vein AND it's in chicago. If you don't know what Ty, Inc. is or what it's about, i'd ask you if you knew what beanie babies were. because, i will be working for them. I AM GOING TO BE DESIGNING AND ILLUSTRATING BEANIE BABIES! it's really crazy, and so very wonderful! last weekend, they flew me into chicago to take a look around their offices and officially offer me the job. it was beyond sweet. they even put me up at a king-sized room at the mariott, and specifically told me to go nuts with the room service, which i did in fact go nuts with.
they have been exceedingly generous. they are giving me 45 fucking thousand dollars a year. and since they offered me a full-time position, they wanted an in-house person. which is what the moving to chicago is all about. it's totally cool beans, though, because they have offered to foot ALL relocation costs: breaking of apartment lease, airfare, shipping and movers, the WORKS. they are even paying for a place to stay for thirty days! not at an apartment, mind you. AT A FUCKING HOTEL SUITE. i start work on the 15th, which is very very soon.
now, you may think about how this is affecting my roommate shaun, and how we had planned to go on a little adventure together-not-apart as budding artists. well, he's coming with me too!! we're both going to chicago. and we will kick ass. so much ass. he's got a tokyopop pencilling job coming up, so the relocation won't hit his wallet that hard either.
so yeah. life, for the past few months, feels like it's been ripped straight out of a movie. shit is just flying left and right, and things are getting mixed around big time.
i guess this is what life is all about. i'm instantly glad that i gathered myself up enough to make the jump into this giant ball of change. the slacking, the lazing around, the ass-o-clock dota sessions, they were all fun and i wouldn't trade everything i did back home for a second, but i'm so glad i did this. somehow, i feel a little more complete as a person.
so far, life has been good. tiring, frustrating, lonely, different, epic, erratic, rewarding, satisfying, actualizing, beautiful, unbelievable, and good.
i'm-a cap this with a picture of me, shaun, and someone we met at the comic convention that goes by the name of rachel. (she's a wonderfully wonderful artist and i urge you to check out her stuff at www.rayarray.com)
P.S. i am writing these last few paragraphs on the train, and there is a massively massive ass slowly eating my right thigh. the ass belongs to this woman that must weigh at least 250lbs, no exaggeration. these damn train seats are not big enough. asses here in the united states are generally big. i've never felt so small before, and that's saying a lot.
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| kaarawan |
[22 Oct 2006|02:06pm] |
woohoo, i'm 24! or, turned 24 yesterday! this is a pathetic cry for attention!
"ZOMG i'm 24!"
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| happy birthday hunny |
[05 Oct 2006|05:47pm] |
happy birthday, melissa figueroa. i love you very much.
i hope you have a wonderful day.. don't forget that you're always in my thoughts.
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| DaBench |
[26 Sep 2006|02:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sentimental |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Kid Loco - Relaxing with Cherry |
] |
i made a new id for myself in deviantart, just to constantly remind me of the people (family and significant other excluded) who pretty much made me who i am today.
i miss you all so much. there are a lot of people who aren't in this little piccamathon, but don't worry, because i miss you just as much.
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[11 Sep 2006|04:01pm] |
im at a coffee shop with free wireless intarweb. just wanted to say hi to everyone before i go back to work. i'm a chef's apprentice at a japanese restaurant! while i don't have a more graphic designy job. i miss you all so much, the loneliness is really kicking in!
im ok, but i miss you all, but im ok. waves, is what it is.
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| The Update, plus pictures! |
[30 Aug 2006|02:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Belle & Sebastian - Dear Catastrophy Waitress |
] |
okay. two weeks at the new apartment has left me with a ton of realizations about myself.
1. i'm seriously, honestly, truly, verily a neat-freak. i always contributed my OC-ness to my social consciousness and guilt.. that i had to look like i was a neat person for face value (my room back in the flipside was messy like a sumbitch), and that deep down inside, i was a grubby, scummy person. but i find myself cleaning things when no one is watching. scrubbing the stove after a meal gives me a joy and pleasure that is almost erotic. okay, not erotic. but you get the idea. i am a loser.
2. i'm a terrible cook. this may be because i just *really* started cooking for a week now, but it's pretty bad. i've gotten things to stick on a nonstick pan. here's hoping experiece will nip this one in the bud. i feel like akane from ranma... totally.
3. now that i am the Master of My Own Destiny, i naturally wake up at 8:30 to 9:00am every day, even if i go to bed at 4AM (which i have been doing a lot of recently). again, i think this is my fight-or-flight thing going off again.
4. i'm not too keen on lounging around anymore. before, i could laze around for hours on end without giving a crap. now, i always have to be moving around and DOING something, which i think is a good thing. it makes me feel like less of a slacker.
5. i totally called this a long, long time ago, but i miss the philippines so much more than i had ever thought i would. i thought i would take a lot of it in stride, since i'd be so busy.. i went to an asian supermarket, and almost cried fo'real because they were selling sarsi.
6. i knew this before, but i really like walking around. whether it be in the Big City or Suburbia. Even without anything to do.. i like the exercise, i like the slight brushes of wind on my face as i trot along, and i like just seeing things. things not on a computer screen.
so far, i've been having a pretty good time. it's not all highs, but it's not all lows either. it's actually just like my sister said.. this whole experience, it's a series of waves. highs followed by lows followed by highs you get the idea. i've actually broken down in tears missing my former life on some nights, followed by highly adventurous We Are The Champions days right after. it's really a rollercoaster, which is probably a cliche, but i can't think of many better things to describe it.
i miss you guys. i miss all of you so very much. i met one of shaun's friends, whom i thought would be my crass-girl-that-is-a-friend, but she doesn't even come close to trina. that made me miss the bench, and the level of comfort that i have associated with it. i have had my share of heart-to-hearts with shaun over the past few weeks, but it doesn't come close to the heart-to-hearts that i've had with mihk, or pia. and, i've had mind-blowingly epic matches of smash brothers, again with shaun, but that doesn't even come close to the Capcom Vs. SNK 2 marathons i had with nancy noor.
this home doesn't feel like home yet. it still feels like a shell. i know that i'm going to gradually make these surroundings my home, but man, it's going to take forever.
and because i didn't want to end this entry on a down note, some pictures!
the house when i went in for the very first time!
kitchenx0rZ!
fridgamatron 5000! (which is very bare and sad, until now)
El Bare-o Room-o
El Cardborrdio Nighttabletastico (not anymore, i have a bookcase now!)
The Ambiguously Gay Duo (behold my poet attire)
dumplinghead
camslut
these pics are way outdate-o, but i haven't had a camera since then. i'll piccy-update when i can!
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| touchdown! |
[15 Aug 2006|10:58am] |
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i'm here in the new apartment! im happier than a bag of wigs! pictures to follow!
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| funeral for a friend |
[08 Aug 2006|12:51pm] |
*wrote this last night on a bus from chicago to madison, wisconsin*
okay.
first off, sorry for shortchanging a lot of people in the information department. i won't lie and say that i haven't had time to update.. i've had a lot of time. i just haven't i dunno, felt it. but right now, i'm in a bus that's riding from downtown chicago to madison, wisconsin, and i still have 73% of battery left on the mac, and three hours to go before i arrive.
I have now concluded that there are too many things swimming around my head for me to keep it in. so, let the guts spill, i say.
leaving the philippines was the most wonderful and horrifying thing that i have ever done in my entire life. being so busy with new job + packing + despedidas occupied my mind and body, and thus i wasn't able to comprehend the true gravity of it all. Even though i had planned so many things to happen the day that i left, almost everything happened not-the-way-i-wanted-it. which isn't a bad thing... it was just surreal. There was no soundtrack to my life in the philippines playing in my ear, there weren't any teary goodbyes, save melissa, there weren't any wistful last glances at my place, car, or room, i didn't even weep quietly to myself as the plane left the ground. Nor did i look to see or experience the exact moment the plane left philippine soil and was consumed by global (for the lack of a more poetic word) air. I've always been really, really big on the littlest details, and this time around, i partook in none of them. this wasn't how i planned it, this wasn't deliberate or anything of the sort... it just happened.
thinking about it makes me kinda sad. i had wanted to play green day's 'good riddance' as the plane took off, too... as lame as it sounds. i had wanted throngs of people crying at my departure (really really really really wishful thinking), i wanted all of the people i ever had a crush on to confess their secret loves for me and beg me to stay. all of that shallow ego-stroking. but none of it came, and it got me thinking. i didn't make me sad at the time, nor even now - when i say that it makes me sad, it's not because i didn't happen.
i'm sad because it feels like i'm really undergoing something big, a real change. a real, life-changing kind of change. and just like how in high school, everyone (no matter how much they might have hated it) was always sad to leave, i'm sad to leave this past part of myself. i'm sad to leave all of the late nights playing dota, all of the really racist and crass conversations with pretty much all of my friends (trina), and i'm sad to leave this giant area of comfort that i now know that i have taken extremely for granted. i'm going to miss the slacking and i am going to miss those whom i have slacked off with, and it's hitting me hard because that was pretty much my whole life. even working at chikka, yeah, i worked hard, but i also slacked a hell of a lot, too.
but this sadness, i am starting to realize that it is necessary. and hehe, just the fact that i am moving isn't going to immediately change the fact that i am slacktacular and a bit of a flake. this sadness.. it's like a funeral. even if you know that the person you are mourning for is in a better place, it still hurts. it still tugs on the heartstrings and you think of good times past. those were good times.. and it's not going to be the same anymore. but even though you initially don't like to admit it and want to keep things on a within-reach level, you realize that the memories aren't gone, nor are the life lessons you picked up along the way while you had all these now-missed happy times.
this sadness... it's ritual. and natural at the same time. like how giant forest fires only serve to make the forest grow back, even stronger and even more lush than before.
i'm pretty sad now. i had my first real bawl born out of depression last night. but even though i DO hate to admit it, it's not going to change anything. all of the wonderful friends that i've made in the past 11 years are still my friends. everything that i've learned about life and myself are still intact. i have nothing to cry about.
now what's left? it's time to shed of my current skin, and make myself fresh again.
goodbye, me.
hello, me.
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[05 Aug 2006|01:56am] |
david now knows how to cook adobo!
suddenly, things are starting to look up.
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| you cant spell EMO without the letters M and E |
[01 Aug 2006|01:32am] |
entry ripped straight off of my deviantart description.
well, folks, i finally got off my ass and made something.
the move has put a lot on my mind.. it's taking up the space that would usually be reserved for more artsy things. leaving behind everything that has given meaning to me and the like, it's put me in a rather emo mood. i've often found myself smoking on patios after midnight, because of all of the separation anxiety i've been feeling.. yeah, yeah, i know, it's so damn pretentious, but it leaves me with quiet time.. a time for me to really reflect on where my life's taken me.
a lot of dramatic shit, i know, but right now, i feel like i'm chock-full of it.
and yeah, i decided to try and get myself out of this funk that i'm in and use all of the emo goodness in my system to make art. everything that i'm feeling now, it's pretty much summed up in this picture. a person with a goal in mind can sort of be likened to a person heading towards a bright light. but, and people only realize this when they're reaching their destination, the closer you get to the light, the more pronounced and scary your shadow is when you look back. as you reach your goal, your shining light, you look back and realize that you've just enveloped yourself in darkness. in anxiety? in i dunno, despair? fear? whatever your particular demons are. and more often than not, it makes you stop just short of the goal, and question whether or not getting your own little ball of light is worth enveloping everything else around you, everything that you once held dear, in darkness. in disuse, in the back seat.
it leaves you wondering whether or not it's worth it. whether or not your cause really is substantial, or even worse, whether or not you still value the cause, after such a long and arduous journey.
this guy (although he looks nothing like me) is me looking back. maybe i could have portrayed it better, but i like it. it's honest, anyhow. probably one of the most honest things i've submitted.
thanks for looking at this, and thanks for reading this far, if you didn't die from the drama-factor.
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[25 Jul 2006|04:14am] |
well, i'm here. i'm safe, and i'm here.
and i'm pretty damn lonely. i miss you guys, so much.
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| rollin' |
[12 Jul 2006|02:05pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bigger than my Body - John Mayer |
] |
god fucking dammit. eight days left. where the hell did the time go?
hello LJ. i am popping in again to say that i've kinda missed you. just kinda... but! i think we'll be spending a lot of time together in the future!
everything's finally sinking in. im leaving. in nine days, the Philippines as a residence will only be a memory. i guess what finally did it was the despedida at gizmo's. i have never smiled and laughed that much in a long, long time.
i think one of the things that kept me in denial was the fact that i was becoming more and more detached from the bench. between hanging out with people less and never all at the same time, more often than not never getting past the small talk, and the fact that everyone's been increasingly busy because of their jobs, i thought that the magic, as it were, had faded and we all just became the yuppies that we all (well, maybe just me) dreaded becoming. i was thinking... ahh, it's not going to be so bad, we're kinda drifting apart anyhoo.
but last saturday happened, and gave me one hell of a wake up call.
pretty much EVERYONE was there. JA! JA was there, whodathunk? i can only think of maybe five people or so that wasn't (weren't?) there. and, all of us dropped our defenses again - or at least, that's what it seemed like. people were really having fun, despite the sheer amount of people that were there. and we all stayed up till like, 3am. another feat for our rapidly-aging bodies. these days, im exhausted by 12.
i dunno if i'm making sense here. i'm just kind of piecing together all of the things that i loved about the bench, and because of the distance we've all had from each other collectively, expecting to find some of the pieces missing. some gaps, and some lapses in conversation and company. but no.. it's there. it's all still there. sure, there's drama, there are some people who can't see other people, and there have been falling-outs between a bunch of people. but what barkada doesn't? if you can give me an example, then sorry tit-face, it ain't a barkada. or at least, one of substance anyway.
my friends are still with me. the bonds are still very much intact. latent, maybe, but still very much intact. i feel so guilty for losing sight of this, and because of my job. i feel selfish, and basically, prick-like. but better late than never, eh?
To the bench: i love you guys. each and every one of you. yes you. and you. and you. i know i get pretty damn aloof, but that's only because i'm irresponsible, and never because i don't care.
just wanted you guys to know. because almost all of the pain of leaving is because i'm gonna be away from you guys.
i'll update again soon, i think.
i haven't drawn in weeks.
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| Pinoy Big brother! and drama! |
[02 May 2006|06:15pm] |
hi everyone! been as busy as hell. you guys watch pinoy big brother teen edition? ;)
i made the illustrations and with the help of steadybear, we all turned em into animations!
here's a pic of the newest housemate, joaquin!
plus vacations left and right, and lots of planning for the road ahead. maybe i'll get into detail later, but i doubt it. i'm far to lazy to properly update! hahaha!
ooooh oooh oooohh!! can i just say? drama is so funny. it makes me giggle with glee. stupidity is funny. maybe if we're lucky, we can get them to reply to this entry too! hahahahahahahahaha
FLAME ON!
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| COOLEST MEME EVARRR |
[28 Mar 2006|05:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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geeky |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Operate, Annihilate |
] |
Video Game Meme! (stolen from nancy noor)
Genres/Firsts
♥ What was the first video game you have ever played?
the Donkey Kong Jr. Game&Watch, back when i was.. like, 3, i think.
♥ What was your first console?
The Nintendo Entertainment System (NES).
♥ Have you ever visited a video game arcade?
Hellz yeah.
♥ What was your first handheld?
The aforementioned game&watch, but if you're talking about handheld consoles, then a Game Boy, bought 3 days after launch.
♥ What was the first game you've beaten/cleared completely? (Got to the last level/got 100%/beat high score, etc.)
Dude. Super Mario Brothers!
♥ Games based off of real sports: Yay or Nay?
Nay. just play the damn sport.
♥ Online games: Yay or nay?
Yay!
♥ Do you play any Massively Multiplayer Online RPG games? (MMORPGs?)
Yep! Biggest one was Diablo II, too scared to start WoW... i'm never gonna get off of it.
♥ Do you play any virtual pet games? (Neopets, Teripets, Aftermathzone, etc.)
Does Monster Rancher 1 + 2 count? or Magic Pengel?
♥ Puzzle games and Strategy games: Yay or Nay?
HO yeah. they are my second favorite genre. Magical Drop 3 is love. Kirby's Avalanche and Super Puzzle Fighter Turbo are tied for second.
♥ Do you play any RPGs?
The video-game variety, yes.
♥ Do you play any Platformer games?
That's what i grew up with! :D
♥ What was the first game/console/handheld of yours that stopped working?
GAME: City Connection, NES, overblew it. (all of you who owned a nes or a famicom have done this yes you have! it's the process wherein you blow the circuitry under the cartridge's plastic exterior to get the dust out)
Characters/Plot
♥ Do you actually care if a game has a plot or do you just play games for the gameplay?
I care for the plot only if it's an RPG. gameplay wins out otherwise.
♥ Name a few video game characters that are your favorites.
Bowser, Big Boo, Sagat, Blanka, Robo (from Chrono trigger), Peco (from breath of fire 3), Garr (also from BoF3), Spike McFang, damn... this list could go on forever.
♥ Name a few series that are your favorites
The Mario Series (of course), anything Street Fighter, hell.. i pretty much love anything by either Nintendo or Capcom. other than that, namco have quite a few winners... the tekken, soul calibur and katamari damacy series's instantly come to mind.
♥ Has a video game ever made you cry?
i actually cried at gitaroo man, when he played the souped-up legendary theme.
♥ Has a video game character annoyed you so much that you wanted him/her removed from the game?
pretty much the entire cast of final fantasy X. hahaha that game sucked ass.
♥ Do you "pair" or "ship" characters up with one another? (make/create/write romance involving them)
nope!
♥ Do you write video game fanfiction?
nope, i don't write!
♥ Do you draw video game fanart?
hell yeah!
♥ Do you come up with theories on how a character came to be/what he or she would do in a situation/why he or she is moody/etc.
Nothing comes to mind, but i wouldn't be surprised to find out that i've done it before.
♥ Are you a "fanboy" or "fangirl" of any character?
No.
Boss Battles/Villains
♥ Hardest Boss Battle
Sephiroth in Kingdom Hearts, as voiced by *Nsync's Lance Bass. Never beaten him, ever. NAZ DOOD I WAS GONNA WRITE THE SAME THING
♥ Most Frustrating Boss Battle
The VERRRY last boss from Soul Calibur 3's Chronicles of the Sword campaign. CHEAPNESS AT ITS CHEAPEST.
♥ Most Rewarding Boss Battle
Killing that bastard Metroid Prime.
♥ Most Fun Boss Battle
Argus from Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past.
♥ Most Boring Boss Battle
Killing Dragonlord from Dragon Warrior. not that hard, too many hit points, the battle becomes button mashing.
♥ Boss Battle that dragged out for a long, long time
METROID PRIME
♥ Boss Battle with the coolest music
Kefka! Final Fantasy 3!
♥ Most Surprising Boss Battle
Teepo. T-T why oh why?!?
♥ What's your all time favorite villain?
Bowser Koopa. He could give chuck norris a run for his money.
♥ What's your all time least favorite villain?
First one that came to mind was MewTwo, i don't know why. but he's scum.
♥ Do you ever feel sorry for the villains?
yeah, when they believe that they're doing nothing wrong. General Leo!! why did you have to be on the empire's side? T-T
♥ Are there any villains that seem like they should be playing for the good guys, but aren't?
Yep! see above!
♥ Most malicious villain
Kefka. hands down. He poisoned a lake and killed an entire town full of kids just 'cause. that's not cool. then he annihilated the entire planet. which is even more uncool.
♥ Most suprising villain
teepo! T-T
Favorites
♥ What is your all-time favorite 2D Game?
CANNOT GIVE ONE ANSWER
but Capcom VS. SNK 2 is pretty fucking sweet. i can (and have) literally played it for hours. naz and i once had a session from like, 10pm to 5am. WTF.
♥ What's your favorite 3D game? (PS1/N64 generation)
Super Mario 64.
♥ What's your favorite arcade game?
Super Street Fighter II, hahaha. DOOD NAZ I WAS GONNA SAY THIS TOO i love u
♥ What's your favorite next-gen game? (Gamecube/PS2/X-Box)
Katamari Damacy. or Super Smash Brothers Melee.
♥ Sequels/long series: Yay or nay?
YES! i call it the Mega Man syndrome!
♥ What's your favorite Online Game?
Does Warcraft 3 count? i play too much DOTA.
♥ What's your favorite console?
Nintendo Gamecube.
♥ What's your favorite handheld?
Nintendo DS.
♥ Have you ever got yourself involved in a "console war"? (arguing that a console is better than another console)
dude, if you say no to this question, then you are a fucken poser and should stop playing video games forever because we will find you and beat you with super nes and genesis controllers. YOU WERE EITHER A NINTENDO KID or a SEGA KID IF YOU PLAYED VIDEO GAMES. there was no in between.
♥ Have you ever defended a character/game/console you liked in an argument? Which one?
The SNES Mortal Kombat was so much better than the genesis one. wooo, blood, so fucking what? the SNES version had much better gameplay.
♥ Name a game that you like but everyone else seems to hate.
i really like BoF5... not too many people picked this one up.
♥ Name a character that you like but everyone else seems to hate
um hard to say
♥ Name a game that you hate but everyone else seems to like
FF7. this game totally blows. the only thing that blows worse than this is FF8.
♥ Name a character that you hate but everyone else seems to love.
Name ANYONE from FF7 or FF8.
♥ Have you ever stopped before you finished a game because it was too frustrating to go on?
No. I usually stop out of boredom. SAME HERE NAZ
♥ Will you stop at NOTHING to get 100% in a video game?
oh yeah.
♥ Have you ever injured yourself at a video game? (Space Invader wrist and Mario Party 1 blister victims may answer yes)
HAHAHA naz remember how i would destroy my leg when i would lose at capcom vs. snk2?
♥ Has a horror/survival genre video game scared you to the point that you refused to finish the game? Did you get nightmares from said game?
nope, nice try survival horror!
♥ Have you ever thrown a controller/disc/cartridge in a fit of frustration?
YES YES YES YES YES
♥ Do you need to blow/clean certain games to get them to play?
of COURSE!
♥ Have you ever played a game for so long that you missed sleep over it?
FF3 comes to mind.
♥ Were you ever involved in the Pokemon craze?
Snorlax 4-EVAH baby!
♥ Last but not least: Do you picture yourself playing video games 10, 20, or 30 years from now?
I was playing video games before i could even form solid memories. i sure as hell will be.... UNTIL THE DAY I DIE
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| pirates + zombies + ninjas + yakuzas = UNBEATABLE4EVA |
[22 Mar 2006|11:11pm] |
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mood |
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 droring-ish |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Blood Brothers - some song i don't know the title to |
] |
latest drawing, done so i could practice muscles and shit. well. not shit. just muscles. and tattoos.
is it weird that i feel pretty damn old when i'm only 23? fort and dewi picked me up from work today, and we set out to DO shit. ten minutes later, we all decided that we were tired and ended up just going home. how fucking lame is that?
it's just that there's so much going on. art, art, art, chikka, art, portfolio, website, art, job hunting, art, art, art. don't get me wrong... i don't see myself as an Artiste, nose and pinky up in the air and all, but it is something that i love very very much and want to get better at, and hopefully, make a full-time job out of. *note: art and (graphic)design are separate animals to me. i am currently designing.*
does it sound like i'm making excuses for my lameness? ha ha ha. NIUSNLSKJDNSJGDSJFSAJC ESLKJGNSDKJNFSDUNVS NSKNFSANFSDf i suddenly feel like drawing ktnxbye this is why i'm on deviantart more than LJ.
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| ARTZZ JERNULLSSZ???? GORUDEN HAM-MAHH |
[16 Mar 2006|05:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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artsyfartsy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The B-52s - She brakes for rainbows |
] |
okay, since i want to keep updated with all of you on LJ, but have absolutely nothing (of substance) to say, i've decided to post up my drawings here as well. since, it is pretty much all i'm doing nowadays. vain vain vain vain dave coming up.
one of my two thank-you pictures to the person who recommended me for a daily deviation.
( Shameless self-promotion )
there's a lot more on my deviantart site... which is found here. i update there far more than i do here, now. t'is sad. but i really can't write worth a damn.
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[14 Mar 2006|05:23pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
] |
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music |
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SOUL'd OUT - To All Tha Dreamers |
] |
i don't do these very often, but i don't post here on livejournal very often anymore, either. so in an effort to get things rolling again (ha ha right) an asky asky thingy! completely stole this from mia.
ask me a question about one of or each of the following:
1. friends
2. sex
3. music
4. drugs
5. love
6. liveJournal
7. other (open ended)
no matter how rude, sexual, or confidential... just ask.
then, post this in your journal and see what questions you get asked.
haha, i wonder if anyone's actually gonna ask me stuff. but ah well.
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[21 Feb 2006|06:42pm] |
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mood |
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 enthralled |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Nina Simone - Feelin' Good |
] |
*DISCLAIMER* for people who know what deviantart is all about.
oh my god. a daily deviation.
i feel so happy.
so fucking happy.
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
ALSKDNVEIUGBN:SALJKFDN:KSZDHG<ZDNV:XZDLKJVCNSLZJGYFASEFBCSKUAYKCBZKJCBKEBVCZLJZHBVLZJYDBVLZJHBXCLYVBELJZHBCLJYDBVZJL<HXBCVLJYBVZKJHDVBZJDLKHVB
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[23 Jan 2006|09:38pm] |
time's a-tickin.
there's still a lot that i have left to do, but i have a little more time.
i looked back on the past today, and wondered if i had really been going about my daily activities with 'the right thing' in mind. i remembered people that have made me feel bad, and people that have made me feel good. and i can't help but wonder how i've been doing. it's very easy to say that if i feel satisfied, then that's all there is to it. but i don't believe this. we aren't by ourselves in this world, so we have to conform to some extent. we do have to live by a bigger scope, a bigger body of authority.
and i wonder if i've been a good boy.
i know that i'm lazy, insecure, and i dunno, fake, at times, but i always set out on my little journeys with the best intentions in mind. i want to do good, not just for myself, but for everybody. and reminding myself of this, it makes me feel bad, because a lot of bad shit has happened. bad shit that i think could have been prevented if i was just a little more responsible. just a little more hard-working.
that's why i'm leaving this country. that's why i want to start a new life. the one i have now, it depresses me as much as it makes me happy. is this called running away? or is it learning from your mistakes? there's a fine line here, i just know it.. but i have a deep-rooted fear that all of this is me running away. running away from people that you have cared about in the past, because they erased you (which could very well be because of your own faults), running away from two-faced people that say something and mean another, running away from a gap which separates you from the rest of the people here that you can't really describe, but can't deny its presence... should i be standing my ground? should i be dealing with all of these things, and upset the very fragile stability that i've made for myself over the past few years? or is this mecca of mine my way of dealing with things (or the best way to deal with things)?
these are the questions that trouble me.
these are the questions that convince me of the gap that i have to bridge to become a reliable person.
i still don't believe that i am unrealistic. i think i can get all of these things done. i believe i have the power to work out all of my problems. after all, a person can do ANYthing he or she believes in. and save a few quite grave examples, i haven't really been proven wrong.
i want to be a good boy. i want to be a good person. i want to be proud of myself.
that's why i'm leaving. because i am gonna wallow myself to death if i stay here.
however, that doesn't mean i can't resolve some of the more pressing matters on my plate. yeah, i know... cryptic dave again. but it's my livejournal, what're you gonna do?
is it possible to hate someone and thank someone at the same time?
to all of you who are making guesses about what this is about, i'm pretty sure you're way off.
hmm, shout-out to ema. because i miss you. i know we say this a hell of a lot, but when i get to the US, there WILL be hanging out. and PBRs. (hah, i can't believe i just said shout-out. wtf.)
annnnd... a quick forty minute sketch. to get my mind off things. and god knows there are too many things on my mind already.
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[09 Jan 2006|10:49am] |
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january already? man.
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[07 Dec 2005|05:12am] |
i don't like this. i don't like being patronized by this, by my parents who think i'm sucking at their teat. this makes me want to leave, so bad. more than ever.
not much time left.
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| doors opening |
[16 Nov 2005|11:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Pillows - I Think I Can |
] |
it felt real nice to write in this thing again. so i'll do it once more, and hope i can keep it up.
prior to the really shitty day i had yesterday, i actually had a wonderful few weeks. wow, this is long overdue, and i don't feel like going in-depth, so yeah. in a nutshell,
my birthday was awesome (wow! this does not happen often)
my long weekendsZ was a blast (gizmo's beach house was a blast, though it would have been cooler with giz there, and sagada was absolutely beautiful)
it was a great contrast, i think. an awesome blend of old and new. on the one hand, i got to hang out with some of my best friends - the people that got me through college, and i met an entirely new group that is teaching me new things. even the age range of the two different groups is a stark contrast.. my friends being (relatively) young, and these new adventurous people being quite old, for the most part. my balance-seeking brain enjoys this.
i actually have more to say about my sagada trip, because (1) i've never been there, and (2) it's in the mountains. and i am a mountain person. you beach bums and bum-ettes, i don't like that eyebrow you're raising at me. you and your sand can stuff it, give me a great mountain view and cold weather any day. and i had a lot of that. in addition, i swam at the base of a waterfall, i walked through the rice terraces, i traversed caves (in one end and out another) and i went whitewater rafting. all for the first time. it made me feel sad that most of the time, i'm in front of a monitor and missing out on all of this beauty and majesty. that i've never thought to try this sort of thing until pia invited me a month or so ago. and it's biting me. this wanderlust is enveloping me, more than ever. i want to get my rear in gear and start my journey. i want to have my little adventure, and taste the life that i've been wanting to taste for so long. it's almost here.
it's almost here.
and, you know what? i'm not going through these last few months alone. and hell, if all goes well... :)
ahhh.... life is good. not even moronic content team heads with sucky hair can get me down, when i'm thinking in this direction.
i will post pictures as soon as i scan them! it's kind of why i didn't want to post just yet. but ah well.
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| hokbulahap |
[16 Nov 2005|11:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
System of a Down - Suite Pee |
] |
okay, i had sworn to make my next post a nice, happy one because i've had such a wonderful past few weeks, but i had such a shitty day that i just have to rant.
*this happened yesterday, i'm only getting to post this now*
there's this guy that i work with, let's call him asshat. no, wait, let's call him ricky baizas. he, along with one other person gave me a pretty hefty assignment.
28 billboard designs in three working days. wtf.
to add to the misery, it wasn't for a set size. it was 7 different sizes, four studies each. and just for kicks, they decided to give me this assignment even though i didn't know the product, the selling point, or audience. all they gave me was a deadline, and two rushed taglines to use for the billboard.
oh yeah, after i had spent half a day working on the designs, they tell me that they mixed up the dimensions. the length was supposed to be the height, and the height was supposed to be the length. and they just had to wait for me to lay down my game plan and templates for these twenty eight fucking billboard designs. i had to start from scratch, with roughly a day remaining.
so i rolled up my sleeves, and prepared for the all-nighter to follow.
and i have to say, this was a pretty productive all-nighter. i didn't sleep a WINK. i worked all throughout the night, thanks to energy-boosting drinks, and did not stop to rest until lunch, which was a quarter pounder meal at my desk. after the mcdonald's, it was back to work. at around 1:30, i get a notice saying that it was due at 3pm, when i had previously thought the deadline to be 5pm, which is the norm where i work.
faced with this new obstacle, i began to rush. and again, i have to say that despite the time constraints, i did a pretty good job. i didn't get all 28 done.. i had the equivalent of about 14. i presented what i had to present and then after telling them i still wasn't done, i went back to my desk to work.
by this time, i was sending designs as i finished them, instead of in a big heap. didn't have time to spare, you see. upon sending my next two designs, i went to asshat's cubicle to say that i just sent two more, and i happened to over-read an instant messaage of his, to the other person giving me this gargantuan amount of work.
i don't remember exactly what it said, but it went along the lines of, "he was taking it easy and didn't exert ANY FUCKING EFFORT!!!!!" (he really wrote it like that, it's the only thing i really remembered seeing.)
now, i'm not a fan of violent outbursts. despite what you usually read on this journal - this lj has become my ranting board. i complain here so i can stay calm and sane in real life. i actually think that being mad, even in arguments, doesn't really solve anything.
but i was so mad. so mad. i wanted to grab this guy by the neck and hit him until he bled. i worked over 24 hours on this damn project, and he waltzes along and tells me that i didn't put in any effort. this guy, who manages a content team, that dumped 28 billboards on me despite the fact that frankly, it's not my job AND he could have dispatched at least two other people to help me out with this thing.
i wanted to keep his name anonymous, but i just figured that if he's gonna talk shit about me in the office, i'm gonna fucking talk shit about him over the net.
so what did i do, after that? i kept on working, seething with rage. as much as i wanted i hand his ass to him, the deadline was more important. and maybe about fifteen minutes after that, he delegated the job to two of his people. wtf. i'm wondering why the hell he didn't do that in the first place. he can't say 'because they were busy', because i was fucking busy too. yet i still pulled the god damn all-nighter. what did he do? whine about how what i did wasn't what he wanted under the guise of not putting in any effort, and to other co-workers, too. that is low. and this is not unlike him, either. people around the office know him as a two-faced prick. i wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but you know what? they're right. he is a two-faced prick. and a vindictive one, at that. he could have at least told me this shit to my face, instead of backstabbing me like that.
okay. back to work. had to get that off my chest.
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| meme. too lazy to make a substantial post. |
[27 Oct 2005|07:14pm] |
got this from ala! thanks!
what will you do if:
1. the water would stop running in the shower? same thing i always do. go out naked and covered with soap, and yell.
2. one day you'll know that you only have 24 hours to live?
run.. run away from everything and everyone, and go to places that hold special meanings to me. come back maybe on the eighteenth hour, and spend the time i have left with my parents, sisters and friends.
3. you'll lose your friends?
i don't know.
4. Brad Pitt is standing in front of you?
wtf
5. you're a millionaire for a day?
buy a house if i could, then go on a shopping spree at the apple store and greenhills.
6. there is no friendster?
laugh out loud and derisively at all of the sad friendster addicts.
7. someone talks bad things about you behind your back?
talk to them about it, to get whatever bad shit they've got against me out of their system.
8. someone says he/she loves you?
be skeptical
9. you can go back in time?
too many things to mention.
10. you're 30 and you haven't gotten married yet?
nothing more than i would normally do.
11. you become a superhero?
i'd use it for the good of mankind, yeah, but probably not more than i would for personal gain.
12. Jesus talks to you in your sleep?
if it's keeping me from sleep, i'd tell him to shut up, and bugger off.
13. you can change something in the past, would you change a thing?
i'd like to say no, but it's not true. there are zillions of things i'd change.
14. you could fly?
no one would have any hold on me of any sort ever again.
15. you would become a queen for day?
that'd make me gay. but if i were king, then i'd fucking soak it up and live it up.
16 you could morph into an animal, what would you be?
a flying squirrel. i don't even know why. maybe because birds are too lame.
17. you could have super powers, what would it be?
to be able to pull money out of my pocket whenever i reached in there.
18. you could go to the other planets, where would you be?
pluto. i love cold.
19. you could go to heaven, would you come back to earth or remain in heaven?
go back to earth. i think heaven would be boring.
20. you could see the future, would you look at it?
yes. how could you not?
21. you could let it snow in the philippines, how long would it be?
as much as possible. i miss snow.
22. you could eat anything in the world, what would you eat?
babies
23. you'd wake up one day and find out that you're BALD, what would you do?
make sure it doesn't make my face look chubby.
24. someone breaks your heart?
depends. if they meant it or did it out of weariness to work things out, then i'd hate him or her.
25. your bf/gf cheats on you?
no excuses.. i'd hate her. with no chance of changing my mind.
26. the world is yours for the taking, would you take it?
would anyone say no?
27. you'd have to spend a year with someone from outside your family, who would you spend that year with?
i'm not telling.
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| announcement! announcement! announcement! announcement! |
[19 Oct 2005|01:38pm] |
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PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY
my place, friday night. October 21st. 8:00pm onwards!
why? it's my birthday!
TEXT ME IF YOU WANNA GO! 09209537621 is my number!
my address, if anyone wanted to know, is Unit 516 Classica Manor Araullo St. cor. Montessori Lane San Juan, Metro Manila. it's around shaw.
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[11 Oct 2005|08:03am] |
Stole from The Rey
Choose a band/artist and answer ONLY IN SONG TITLES by that band:
Artist/Band: Big Dumb Face
Are you male or female: Duke Lion
Describe yourself: Fightin' Stance
How do some people feel about you: Organ Splitter
How do you feel about yourself: Voices in the Hall
Describe what you want to be: Blood Red Head
Describe how you live: Space Adventures
Describe how you love: Mighty Penis Laser
Share a few words of wisdom: It's Right in Here
okay that was a pretty cool meme thingy.
man. haven't updated or even looked at LJ for quite some time.
i wanted to make a nice updatey-on-my-lifey kind of entry, but i don't even know where to start. next time. lemme just say that i'm doing well. yee-heee.
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| changing of the guard |
[04 Oct 2005|02:08pm] |
i haven't been in this territory for quite some time. i'm not floating somewhere in between, i'm undoubtedly in this. and yknow what? it feels great. it feels great to have my confidence back. it feels great to know that i'm not a horrible train wreck when it comes to relating to other people. it feels great to be needed, just as i need.
a giant load has been taken off my shoulders.
thank you. i'm loving every minute of this.
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[03 Oct 2005|11:17am] |
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it's been a pretty good week. there have been ups and there have been downs, but that's what it's all about. i wouldn't have it any other way.
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[12 Sep 2005|03:00am] |
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a nice weekend, a nice weekend indeed. it sucks that we actually have work tomorrow, but it's all good. because wherever there's work, there's....
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| bittersweet |
[10 Sep 2005|12:30pm] |
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mood |
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 okay |
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music |
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Norah Jones - Painter Song |
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and so, just as melissa has said goodbye and let go of her ghosts, i think i should follow suit and do the same.
so long, oats. i only wish it ended better. i wanted to keep the friendship we had before the relationship. i wanted to get to know you again, and regain a friend with the time i have left, but i don't think that's ever going to happen, and my patience has been tried enough. it takes a long, long while for me to give up on a person, but when i do, i'm pretty sure it's for keeps.
and i've given up. i don't want anything to do with her, ever again. no longer a friend, no longer a person, even. she doesn't mean a single thing to me now. and the funny thing is, i'm not mad or frustrated about it. i'm a tad regretful, because it's still something that i promised myself i wouldn't back out of. and even funnier than that... i think she's going to appreciate it more than i will.
now. piece being said, i'm off to pick up melissa... we're gonna go (or maybe she's just going to watch me) practice ballroom dancing, for manny's wedding.
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[08 Sep 2005|01:22am] |
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it's nice to be in this little bubble again. god knows how much i've missed it. i think i like the car rides the best.
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| public service announcement, and then rant |
[06 Sep 2005|02:31am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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THE Dying Breed - Moon on the Water |
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it's funny... whenever people from livejournal see me in real life, they always ask me if everything's okay. i used to tell them yeah, things are all good, i was just ranting, but as i read over my entries, i realize... if i weren't me, i'd worry about me too.
i was talking to ala about this a few days ago, who was also a tad concerned. and suddenly, i realized it.. i only write in this now when i'm angry. so, as an act of apology to everyone who reads this pathetically shallow journal...
i'm okay.
i'm not depressed all of the time. especially not about my last relationship.
oats, despite what you probably think, i don't think about you every second of the day.
while i do have insecurity issues about my chances in the states, i don't let it keep me from doing exactly what i want to do.
because, well, the four statements above are pretty much all i rant about on LJ. i had thought that my friends who read this would naturally see through it and realize that i get contemplative and a lot of this is just letting loose the excess crap, but not even i'm convinced. this reads like the journal of one fucked up d00d. so yeah.
i need to rant here. it's the only stable venue i have to unload. although i unload on pia and naz and chach whenever i get the chance. splurt!
so are we clear on that, everyone? clear? clear? good. now on to your regularly scheduled rant.
to anyone who's been around me, you already probably know that i'm a really high-contact person. even chach pointed this out, whom i think is pretty high contact herself. it's always been a problem of mine... i don't really know moderation. it's not that i haven't been trying to find that median, but i have a hard time not being say, 50% devoted to something. for me, you're either in or you're out. i know life isn't that simple, but sticking to that has gotten me pretty much where i am now.. i want to learn moderation, but i kinda don't want to, at the same time.
and well, it's projection. the reason why i'm so up in other people's faces is because i don't think anybody has ever really extended that affection to me. and i see other people getting it so freely that it frustrates me. i end up craving it. with all of the relationships i've ever been in, i've always reached out for my significant other's hand, and never the other way around. and thinking about that, it kind of frustrates me. so i end up trying even harder, and things kinda snowball from there.
what not many people realize about me is that i'm very easy to please... this dog needs a pat on the head. small little gestures of affection, they mean the world to me. i just want to be indulged a little. i want someone to reach out for my hand, for once. i want nice little surprises, or to be checked up on. melissa's requests for me to text her when i get home already start to fill this gap. also the fact that she calls me a sweetie. but there's still so much left to fill. am i just a glutton? am i... insatiable? (<--- sounds porny)
anyway. just letting off some steam here. because it does get tiring, keeping up the energy and smiling back at people all day.
sigh. it's 2am now, and my thoughts turn to melissa. i miss her.
i really love what we've got going now. this has been the second bumpy patch we've had, and like the first, it was resolved through an honest and direct baring of qualms and boundaries and concerns. and according to her, it's smooth sailing now. i like that. i like our situation being referred to as smooth sailing. it makes me feel like i'm not the relationship trainwreck that i've led myself to believe.
it's so weird! weird in a good way.. being honest is strangely satisfying. i still get scared or rocking the boat, since i'm not too keen on confrontations, but i'm slowly losing that. i think... if oats was good for me on a practical level and taught me about hard work and responsibility, melissa is good for me on an emotional level, teaching me a little maturity in regards to what i want and what i can't have at the moment. as i said some time ago, this is indeed the most conservative thing i've ever had. i've only held her hand... that's the farthest i've gone with her. and the funny thing is, i'm okay with that. i mean sure, i'd love to hug'er and kiss'er, but i can wait for it to come from her, if it ever comes at all. i know that i have to exercise restraint. hey... did i just say restraint? woo hoo for me!
i feel like i'm becoming a little more complete now. like... i'm becoming more and more of a grown-up every day. which is good.. that mettle will be tested soon. and you know what? i wouldn't mind her company at all. i'd love for her to join me in my little adventure.. but i don't think that she'd be into it. it's a hell of a risk.. and i don't think that it's a risk that she'd want to take. and understandably so.. it's my journey, not hers.
at the end of this arduous road is shaun.. soemthing that i'm looking quite forward too. i've lost a lot along the way, but it's caused me to gain a lot too. i've changed. i look back at how i was this day last year... i've changed. my vibe feels different altogether. ala said it's not necessarily a bad thing, but i wonder.. what else have i sacrificed to become the person that's writing this entry?
time to go home, i have work tomorrow. (later)
P.S. i want to have a get together at my place this weekend. is anyone game? has anyone even read this far? heh heh. first people that come to mind, aside from the bench, is carlo, rica, matthew and jammi. what say you guys?
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[30 Aug 2005|05:56am] |
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hah. gotcha, motherfucker.
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| <3 |
[28 Aug 2005|12:32pm] |
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i like that she called me at 3am, just so i'd be the last person she'd talk to for the day.
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| oh my god! an angst-less entry? sweet lowrd almighty! |
[25 Aug 2005|12:18am] |
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mood |
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optimistic |
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music |
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Chemical Brothers - The Boxer |
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and just like that, things were resolved. paranoia on both ends settled, and gripes vented. no passive agression, we did our proverbial kissing-and-making-up through an order of large McDo fries, and to tell you the truth, i think we like each other more now.
this is how things should be. nice, simple, and honest. we both deserve pats on our backs.
the road ahead of me is starting to clear up again. i just kicked Balrog(or M.Bison if you play in Japan)'s ass, no continues.
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| dave and fighting games |
[24 Aug 2005|09:30am] |
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mood |
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 uncomfortable |
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it's a really simple concept, i embrace it in fighting games all the time..
..when you attack, your guard is wide open.
and the funny thing is, i often don't realize how much that statement applies to me personally. i always forget how vulnerable i am when i take the time to open up to other people. i think this is why i became a secretive person in the first place. if you don't lay your cards on the table, nobody's ever going to tell you how shitty your hand is. but, going back to fighting games..
you can't win a match by blocking the whole time. every opponent you meet has special attacks that whittle away at your life, even while you block.
yeah, yeah, i know i'm displaying a powerful amount of geekliness with this, but it makes things so crystal clear to me. last night, i let down my guard and well, unleashed myself, and before i knew it, i was smacked down. it was over nothing, really. a small joke that i took in a big way. i guess it's because there's so much riding on all of my matches now, i can't afford to lose anymore. the fighting game of my life is reaching Balrog, Vega, Sagat and M.Bison. Getting smacked down before i even reach the final four makes me want to go back to my seemingly natural disposition for blocking.
okay, i'm sick of feeling like crap. just gotta keep on going. just gotta keep on attacking.
soon.
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| skeletons in the closet |
[22 Aug 2005|11:05pm] |
i hate turnarounds like these.
at this point in my extremely uninteresting life, i've gotten to feeling pretty good about myself. there are days where i operate at full speed, eyes forward, and with the efficiency of fifty japanese beavers.
and then there are days like these.
there are days where i look back as i go forward, and see the trail of crap that has been left behind. and it causes me to lose momentum, to stop dead in my tracks, and fear the road ahead of me, all over again. attribute it to my paranoia. i'm really good at crippling myself like this.
i met up with naz this past weekend, so that The Carabao Princess in all of his wondrous muslim 10-cow glory could meet melissa. and things went pretty well, if i do say so myself, because i kinda get the vibe that she's a smidgen uneasy towards the third sex. and then, i hear about oats being active on her LJ and commenting on naz's entries. and for some reason, it burns me up. it starts me thinking of everything that i've been trying to do in order to salvage a friendship, and how i've been getting diddly-squat, while people close to me are on the receiving end of contact without even trying. i think... she really hates my guts. or thinks so lowly of me that she doesn't really care if stupid and petty issues like this drive me up the wall. she's probably going to read this, too, and still keep up her iron-tight defenses.
i dunno, all of this... it just makes me feel like such a failure. it makes me think that all of my efforts don't and aren't going to amount to much, if i can't even get someone who used to be closer to me than anyone else to say hi once in a while.
and it cripples me. i get doubtful of my chances of success in the states. i get doubtful of my chances to keep a real friendship. and that really kicks my ass, because i really, really, really don't want to mess up things with shaun, when the time comes. why the hell does chach have to be in texas?
everyone i hold dear seems so... distant. philippine-folk included.
okay, onto brighter things. like melissa.
truth be told, she's one of the major things that are keeping me sane. and productive. and not knee-deep in self-pity. about half a minute ago, she texted me, reminding me not to stay too late at work, and to text her when i get home. and hehe, me being the shallow and sappy tart that i am, it plants a goofy grin on my face, and a feeling of satisfaction washes over me. my thoughts go back to her when i'm in the dumps.
i went out with her last weekend so that i could meet her friend, jill (which i why i wanted her, in turn, to meet up with naz). i thought it was the cutest thing ever. it was really nice to see her in her element, chatting it up with friends... not restrained by the office-environment, and what-have-you. i was pretty quiet most of the time, it probably seemed like i was either shy or indifferent, but it was really just me observing her being herself.
so anyway. we were all supposed to get a really kickass tandem-pedicure ( i say kickass to make it seem more manly and brusko ), but just ended up walking around glorietta and greenbelt. fast forward to about 4 am, after checking out saguijo and naz, and after her college-buddy-bonding in eastwood, i brought her home, as usual, and i ended up holding her hand for a good portion of the way home. and i know that i'm gushing right now, and i know that i'm being a sap again, but fuck you. hahaha. bear with it.
it's just that a small gesture like that does so much for me. it makes me think thrice and it makes me feel better about myself, my ability to relate to other people, and ultimately my chances of making it on my own. the great thing about this thing that we're having is that since we're so very like each other, it's a lot easier and infinitely more satisfying to do nice things for her, because i know that she takes these things the same way i do. and i know that sometime down the line, she's gonna read this, and it makes me feel even better about myself, because i was brave enough to say it, and stick to my guns.
okay, i think i'm beginning to make less and less sense, so i'll end it here.
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[06 Aug 2005|11:40pm] |
i don't know why i feel so good around you, but i do. this takes such a huge amount of effort on my part, but i don't really mind.
this is so damn high school. but yknow, given all the complications that the last one gave me, i could use a simple relationship. questions might be popping soon.
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| holy shit! rant ahead! what else is new? |
[04 Aug 2005|12:03am] |
it's 11pm, i'm at the office, i'm as sick as fuck, and again, it's that time of the night when i start getting all retrospecty and depressy. there's something about an empty office and the norah jones music that just came up on my iTunes that give this moment an air of.... i dunno, christmas. christmas alone. maybe it's the piano?
anyway. i'm down again. i know that every single time i log onto LJ, which is getting less and less frequent, i talk about how much of a depressed fuck i'm becoming, but it's really the side effects of giving up SO much and banking SO much on a hope, a gut feel, whatever you want to call it. that.... thing.... of leaving and making a life of my own. it doesn't help that i'm prone to paranoia, either.
oats is posting again. it's so weird to see her active online. i mean, (cynical dave coming up, watch out) i thought she had made it a point to erase me completely out of her life. i'd think if she had reinstated her livejournal, she'd de-friend me so i wouldn't be privy to her goings-on. but maybe i overanalyze. maybe she really isn't affected by anything that happened over the past year, and maybe she really did just suck it up and move on.
i daresay she's one of the big reasons why i want out of this country already. i think, she's one of my biggest failures, along with anton. ugh... the two of those. it gives me a headache to think that two people have been the sole cause of so much of the stress that i've gone through over the past two or so years. y'see, i think i have a problem of being overly optimistic. and coupled with my twisted sense of self-confidence... i pretty much believe that i can overcome any obstacle, as long as i keep at it and see it through to the end. i believed that even before oats injected my life with a work ethic.
but this thing with her, just like the thing with anton, was cut off. cut off abruptly, without resolution. if it were a TV series, you could say that it was cancelled after the first season. there were so many whys and what-ifs that left me hanging. and i'm big on boundaries, too.. i don't like imposing, or overstepping my own boundaries, so much to the point where i compromise my own boundaries for the sake of keeping everyone else's intact. such was the case with oats. i waited for the official response, but got nothing, except a flood of apologies and even a few arguments in the weeks that followed after the breakup.
there was a bit of light at the end of the tunnel, though. i got the most meaningful christmas gift i have ever received in my life. and because of that, i thought that things were going to change for the better. i thought our lines were going to be open again. not so. i got the same eerie silence, except with greater magnitude. i literally haven't heard oats' voice in over half a year. and i have gotten maybe three text messages from her, which weren't even out of her own volition.
so where does that leave me? i tried to be a civil person and keep up the friendship, even though she really ripped out my heart and make a joke of all of the hard work i went through, just for the relationship. i really extended my hand out in hopes of making amends, and that took a lot out of me. it was gut-wrenching as much as it was heart-wrenching. but nothing. no 'hi's, no 'hello's, no 'how have things been'. i've been extending my hand for so long now, i'm beginning to feel like an idiot. i feel like i've been holding the door open for someone, only to find out that the person isn't gonna be going through it, and could have just told you so you could have taken your leave, shut the door, and move on.
i always, ALWAYS wonder.. does she think of these things as well? someone who had told me once that she loved me? does she suffer on the inside, while i've been too vocal about it on these venues? am i just sounding like a whiny baby here?
this is a big part of the reason why i want to leave. i want a clean slate. i want to start all over, on my own terms this time. i want to be away from everything i held dear, because they are no longer dear to me. perhaps they will be again someday, but that won't happen if i don't get away from it and get a chance to miss it. i want everything i know to be wrong. i want to learn it all again... if liz were to read this, this is the part where i'd say that i want to ride those damn fences over again.
wow. i wrote down a lot. and this is only one part of the entry i had in mind.
this all brings me to the task at hand. the move. and why it's seemingly taking forever to do.
there are only three things keeping me from leaving right this very second, one of which is very iffy. the first thing (not iffy) is the comic that i'm going to make with mihk. i can actually hear your eyes rolling, manny, shut the hell up. it'll get done. heh. anyway. this thing that i'm going to be doing... it's proof to myself that my skills are adequate. that i can make it in the states, by way of doing what i want to do. if i can get this shit to fly, my issues will hopefully melt away into a grand pool of victory.
second is work. i need money. xmas bonus is not something to take lightly, especially if you're going to go the whole "i'm an independent boy trying to be a independent man" route.
the third thing keeping me back is melissa. the iffy part. iffy in the sense that she's not going to stop me from leaving, iffy in the sense that i don't know if we're going to get together (because i don't even know if she really like-likes me), and iffy in the sense that i don't know if we SHOULD get together. i wonder if it's worth the risk, considering that i'm going to be leaving soon. and if any of you didn't read any of my previous journal entries, the progress of this is going slowly, and conservatively. which makes my spidey-sense tingle. if we were going to get into a relationship, it feel like a 'keeper' relationship, if that made any sense. the question is.... do i throw all of that to the wind, in order to know a person intimately (past facades.... not necessarily THAT kind of intimately. i know what you're thinking.)... or do i harden my head and my heart for the road ahead, and go back on the prowl when i've landed in the land of the free, and the home of the brave? this decision, it literally keeps me up at night. like now. well. we will see. i can't put this off for much longer. another heart-on-my-sleeve letter is in order, so i can get my head out of this what-if-what-if mire.
i'm really bummed that chach is so far away, and without means of talking to her. it's funny, this ALWAYS happens to me. as soon as i meet someone or some people that i can really be myself around, they leave. i am the eternal latecomer. hugh. shaun. anton. oats. the bench. melissa. and now chach. all of these people, i met too late... we had to part ways a year or two after the ice was really broken. fate sure is funny. and cruel.
which brings me to another big reason to why i want to go to the states so bad: shaun. shaun is the only one out of my true friends that has resurfaced. it's uncanny that after almost a decade of no contact, we haven't lost slack as best buds, in his words. something like this, i don't want to let fate decide anymore. fuck that. i'm deciding for myself this time. i'm going back to the states and kick ass with shaun.
i really wanted chach to share in this too. i wanted to share a genuine experience with another friend that i thought resurfaced. but school... ah well. school's a bitch. like certain parties that want me to go on a date with their foot. i really hope things take a turn for the better, on my part. because i really want to be with her. she and shaun fill the gaps that oats and anton left in me.
anyway. this is long enough. i should save all of the emo for the next journal entry, it's midnight, and i want to go home, because i'm still sick.
later skater.
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[05 Jul 2005|09:55pm] |
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ergh. all of these events i have to oversee and help out with are keeping me from more important personal things i should be doing. i need a good, healthy dose of positive motivation. but what?
P.S. hey mihk, my phone can't call or text out anymore because i haven't paid the billz. and i never seem to catch you when you call. so yeah.
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[30 Jun 2005|02:55am] |
so another big chapter of this year is over. it's been really great and really depressing at the same time. there really is nowhere to go but forward... forward to changes that you didn't plan for, forward to uncertain happiness, and forward to more and more stuff that you just don't know, and therefore fear.
half of the battle is over, and it's really put me at my wit's end. i am becoming a little more attuned to the people that roll their eyes and murmur when i talk about this, and i laugh and pity them at the same time.
anyway. enough cryptic shit. it's 3am, and i have work in a few hours. My cousins just flew in from the states, and i feel the babysittage coming down pretty hard.
see you guys around.
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scrotumnose's journal
